Because it was soda pressing. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. 3. We have rounded up the best collection of funny affirmations, quotes, sayings, captions, positive thoughts (with images and pictures) to encourage friends and family to manifest their thoughts into things. Stuart Turner 108. 205. Emphasis on the cool. Raimonda.B. How do you count cows? You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. 241. Im thinking like a proton, always positive., 9. Fortunately, theres a way to reap the benefits of these powerful statements by giving them a humorous twist. 115. 177. 55. Use this space for describing your block. 23. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 8. George Burns, 253. 122. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? Life is becoming easier and less serious. 103. 1. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. Its what it is supposed to be, dont overthink and let it go. Using humor can help you bridge the gap and empower you to believe in affirmations and their outcome. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. 141. Positive Affirmations And Inspiring Quotes About Life Life is filled with highs and lows, sometimes, we need some inspirational quotes to help us overcome challenges of life and offer guidance to us. It just plain forms. Stuart Turner, 247. How do you count cows? - Roy T. Bennett. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. I can have peace, even when people irritate me.. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. 65. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Cindy from Marzahn. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. 7. East. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. 39. 132. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. How do trees access the internet? Yeah, so is a grenade. 157. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. Pat Sajak Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Happy Birthday.". 209. In between, I am alive. 58. 230. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. 201. 192. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. Enjoy! But you're not as old as you're going to be.". 211. I walk in the direction of what feels good for my soul. Or maybe, you just love cracking jokes and making people laugh. 132. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? Charles M. Schulz I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. Giving up on your goal because of one setback is like slashing your other three tires because you got a flat., 6. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours., 6. I am stepping out of my comfort zone, no matter how small the step. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on. These affirmations will help you to combat the lies of the enemy in every aspect of your life. Why was six scared of seven? Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from the inside., 11. 4. There are endless opportunities. I keep moving forward even if my pants come off. Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. I am capable of rewriting my grievances and transforming my fears. I make people laugh, whether its with me or at me. 165. 237. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. 22. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. I eat cake because its someones birthday somewhere today. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. 259. 29. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from inside. HAM AND EGGS A days work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig. Socrates. I am just making myself capable enough to live in the moment. Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. Helen Giangregorio I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Envelope. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. New year, new me. What do you call a bear with no teeth? Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. 255. 145. I ve had great success using daily affirmations for my personal development. You can only be young once. Ann Landers Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. 143. "Who you are inside is what helps you make and do everything in life". 124. I say what I want and i dont care what everyone else thinks about it. My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldnt walk to the donut shop. Honolulu, its got everything. 8. I am at peace with my body and accept it as it is. 155. - Jack London. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Not me, but somebody does. 100. 117. 134. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Loving yourself and believing in yourself is the first step in making these funny positive affirmations work for you. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. Everyone recognizes how positive emotions can affect attitude and overall health. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. I am too lazy to be lazy. 183. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade. We get so worried about being pretty lets be pretty kind, pretty funny, pretty smart, pretty strong., 9. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. 217. I am passing all the things and hardships with a smile. Quotes To Inspire You (MLK), 80 Life Gets Better Quotes To Brighten Your Day (Hope), 50 Bad Luck Quotes When You Feel Ill-Fated. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. Robert Bloch. 75. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. My son is now an entrepreneur. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. I am lazy till I get a motive. 17. Robert A. Heinlein, 243. Your habits become your values. 92. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full. Most of the articles that Ive written about affirmations are about more serious topics: Lets keep things a little lighter in this article shall we? 188. Best friends eat your food. Positive affirmations aren't about tricking kids into mentally looking at life with eyes that only see what they want to see. 264. 4. Whatever you must do todaydo it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman cape., 2. Decomposing. If you dont succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. 174. 54. Following my intuition and my heart keeps me safe and sound. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. 191. Stop trying to make everyone happy. 159. What do I do for a living? You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. My mistakes dont define me. I am my childs greatest comfort. 219. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. 9. 23. 271. So, you promise yourself from tomorrow on, youll be starting your days using affirmations. 120. It can get you out of a tight corner and people who lack a sense of humor cannot do. Envelope. You can use affirmations to alleviate pressure in highly stressful scenarios, like taking an exam or going to a job interview. Absorb these 41 positive quotes and positive affirmations and start feeling positive now! 149. Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be miserable., 7. 167. It has features that are distinctive and make me who I am. It will have a positive effect on your mind and body, and form an association between affirmations and a happy feeling. At night, I cant fall asleep. 228. 23. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. 26. I am loving all the bad experiences because they are giving me something . Because someone is always sitting on the deck. Even if you dont consider yourself a funny person, you should never be afraid to express your unique humor. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. I often wish I was someone else Just so I could hang around with someone as awesome as me. 9. 148. To anybody I hurt this year, I just wanna say you deserve it. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde, 5. Bill Murray Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. I can believe in myself for 5 minutes. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. 213. Granted, it can be challenging to write affirmations, especially if you havent done it before. You may feel a little embarrassed and vulnerable. Here's some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. Funny Positive Affirmations For Work. 238. 220. [click_to_tweet tweet="Things are getting better all the time" quote="Things are getting better all the time" theme="style4] You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Just like every Monday does on Earth. Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge. 1. Affirmations are a great way to change your mindset. "Disconnect to connect.". Affirmations are an opportunity to be honest with ourselves and recognize that we have a treasure trove of power and creativity within us. "Life is like an elevator - Sometimes it stops. 150. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. 230. ( @malacollective) Fear and adventure go hand-in-hand when you're following your dreams. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. Run. Its a door, thats how they work. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. 93. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 240. 23. Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. Bill Murray. Sincerely, yourself. 270. 2. Friends buy you food. Everyone wants to talk with me because I am very funny. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. 187. Whenever I get back home, I lose all the superpowers that I had when with friends. 189. 131. Whether its at other people or at ourselves, its good to laugh in life. Even on my worst day, Ive still got 24 hours. It equates "weight loss" with thoughts like: I can. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations. 193. Ive got three bones. Share them with your friends and colleagues and make them smile too. 208. My body deserves love. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. I enjoy every minute of it. 197. 27. 150. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. Dont let anything or anyone stop you from achieving what you truly aspire. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. 43. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Stay focused and consistent, and youll start noticing the healing powers of humor and fun. 50. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Every day is a gift, thats why they call it the present. I am thankful for all the problems I dont have. Who cares about the future? In the morning, I cant get up. 5. 41. When you leave work on Friday, leave work. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash., 9. Henny Youngman My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. Let these funny affirmation quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day. 203. "Whatever you do, do with all your might.". Ben Hogan. 91. But you can always be immature. 113. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? But sometimes affirmations may not work. Mind blown! - Benjamin Franklin. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. 165. 149. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Rome wasnt built in a day. 200. 37. He said, 'So does the guy I stole it from.'" I am naturally cool, calm, and collected. How do astronomers organize a party? Bill Murray, 258. Take some time each day to go through these funny affirmations for self-esteem and see how your mood shifts in response. Ive been doing nothing for years. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. 233. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. Those who snore always fall asleep first. You never run out of things that can go wrong. 4. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. Bill Murray, 257. 152. I get up, dress up, and show up. 181. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. Bill Murray. No one can make me feel my jokes are bad. A mind is like a parachute. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. Roy Lichtenstein. - Christopher Reeve. No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. 62. 73. Dave Barry My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. It takes so little to change your life! Short people with an umbrella. We'll get to that later. Some when they enter, some when they leave. 116. 56. I'm doing great. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. - Donald Trump. 40 Apology Paragraph For Her To Say Im Sorry, 80 Cute Relationship Quotes For Sweet Couples In Love, 50 Doubt In Relationship Quotes To Rebuild Trust, 75 Sad Broken Relationship Quotes To Fix Your Heartbreak, 70 Relationship Honesty Quotes On Love, Trust & Loyalty, 80 Relationship Sorry Quotes To Apologize To Your Love, 65 Disney Quotes About Family That Will Warm Your Heart, 90 Best Shrek Quotes From The Funny Ogre Movie, 80 Blended Family Quotes To Share With Your Loved Ones, 90 Female Fitness Quotes For Women Who Workout. Putting up with others shit isnt on my To-Do list today. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know Excuse me, I need to go be awesome today. 87. 168. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. You can't wait for inspiration. 80. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny. 218. Let me gather my thoughts and crush this Monday., 15. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? I will shine like fireworks on the Fourth of July. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? 161. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. Revenge sounds so mean, thats why I prefer to call it Returning the favor.. The only power you have is the word no. 101. I see food, and I eat it. - Unknown. 31. Albert Einstein, 190. 227. 130. I experience ease and flow as I navigate my exhilarating life. When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh. 223. 171. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Lily Tomlin, 242. 254. 14. 275. Choose words that make you feel confident about yourself. Never ask a starfish for directions. Not looking at the price tag when Im shopping., 11. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. 33. Never forget that broken crayons can also color. Think about all the things you're struggling with in your life. Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? 8. Leave me a if you agree! 88. 6. Begin your days with these powerful, funny affirmations for self-esteem. I didnt want to interrupt her. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. My cankles will hold me. Say your affirmations slowly and clearly. 18 Funny Positive Affirmations. Whether its because of a bad breakup or just feeling really down, there are ways to look on the bright side and come out on top. If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 -9 years, you can believe in yourself for at least 5 minutes. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. My funny vibes attract my funny tribe., 3. 114. I enjoy every minute of it. Just as importantly, you can benefit from laughter in everyday situations. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. Being funny seems to be taking less effort. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. 172. 201. My past is just a bad book that deserves to be in the trash. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. These little phrases can be said aloud or written down anywhere to remind yourself that everything will turn out okay. 81. 49. "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. Also read: 50+ Powerful Positive Affirmations For Exams. Because seven ate nine. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. Theres life without Facebook and internet? I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. 2. My jokes do. Edward A. Murphy. 20. 267. Im like a postage stamp. 202. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. I'm Sergios Rotar, a 21 years old personal development enthusiast. 20. Because someone is always sitting on the deck. But it'll move up again.". 1. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. So far, so good. Bill Murray I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. 67. When life closes a door, just open it again. Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. As a result, youll stay consistent, and with affirmations, consistency is the name of the game. Have a look! Learn sign language, its very handy. Here are some tips on how to make the most of using these humorous affirmations: Laughter and affirmations are already powerful separately, so imagine what they can do for you when combined. Enjoying this list of funny affirmations so far? One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. Life is always rocky when youre a gem. Remember, What consumes your mind, controls your life., 7. Short Positive Affirmations "I Am" Affirmations. 114. I am attractive just as I am. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. Get Love Tips Sent Straight To Your Inbox. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut. 51. Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesnt contain any calories. 6. Affirmations are a powerful tool to overcome self-sabotaging thoughts and boost your self-esteem. I am intelligent. 2. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat. Make it inspiring. I thought you said extra fries. Cindy from Marzahn Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. As you can see, laughter is already a powerful tool on its own. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me., 8. 26. 15. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. When you feel terrified (without your safety being in danger): 5. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 123. Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. When I grow up to be a parent, my children will think the same about me. So, here's our compilation of funny work quotes that are perfect for every workplace: Image Source: Unsplash. Alright, get in the basket.. A mind is like a parachute. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. 268. Need to send some positive energy your way? Youre talking to yourself. Well, I guess I have to be odd to be number one. I am finding fun and joy in everything I do and everywhere I go. "I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. You can be positive and yet be funny and easy-going. 56. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. I focus on breathing and grounding myself. 80 Soren Kierkegaard Quotes On Love, Life And Philosophy, Top 90 Martin Luther King Jr. "Being funny doesn't take much effort.". Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. You deserve it! People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade., 14. Charles M. Schulz. grateful. "I receive what I believe.". Im describing you. It has the power to add levity to our daily challenges. If youre just starting your affirmation journey, you might feel skeptical at first. 35. 229. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. I am the sunshine even when its gloomy outside. Your email address will not be published. Then you stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath in, open your mouthwait, this is funny. Revenge sounds so mean, thats why I prefer to call it Returning the favor. Things are getting better all the time. , we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. 'If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some.'. I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. 251. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. We have a connection. Love your enemies. 277. My mistakes dont define me. You are good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and strong enough. I deserve sugar, spice, and all things nice. You never run out of things that can go wrong. Friends buy you food. 82. 24. 256. health is important. I overcome fears by following my dreams. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. Being funny increase people's tendency to connect with you and talk to you. Roy Lichtenstein I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Well, life isn't just about glitz and glamour nor rainbows and butterflies. I would have appreciated exams if they had allowed our Pokemons and Ninjas. I like expensive things because I learn the act of taking care from them. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. avoid carbs. 99. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. To thrive in life you need three bones. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. Thats what youre called when you dont have a job. Dont forget to check out our post onlove yourself quotesandvision board quotesto attract positivity in your life. 189. 244. Let us know which of these motivational affirmations inspired you the most. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. What do I do for a living? Sincerely, yourself., 2. You can write them on sticky notes to set on your mirror, on the notes app in your phone for on-the-go encouragement, or you can simply memorize your favorites and recite . Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. The best things in life are free. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. 274. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. The thing is, I am still getting ready. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth., 9. Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer. 61. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. Then, think about how easy it would be to say a simple statement to yourself throughout the day. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. Why become moody when you can shake your booty. 178. If youre looking for a way to brighten your day and amp up your attitude, youve come to the right place. I am noticing that others are more drawn to me because I am funny. Im like a postage stamp. 88. 153. I want to afford them., 2. 161. When, in fact, we must be optimistic and supportive of ourselves. Chop your own wood. Alison Boulter. Choose a job you love and youll never have to work a day in your lifebecause that field isnt hiring. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on how to write affirmations and the benefits of affirmations. 215. 13. "We . 129. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. Enjoy! Funny affirmations for self-esteem are one way you can boost your mood in just minutes! 213. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Positive mindset affirmations. What is the tallest building in the entire world? Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? I am Ananya, a professional speaker and I love motivating people and inspiring them to pursue their dreams. I understand success cant happen overnight. I am healthy, I am wealthy, I am hot!, 14. Why did the school kids eat their homework? 205. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. 160. 59. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. 158. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. 1. 135. Why did the can crusher quit his job? Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield., 10. 65. 180. "If you see me talking to myself. 146. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. 271. Send me the link. My mind is becoming much sharper. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? 277. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? 119. Honolulu, its got everything. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? 69. 260. Why is England the wettest country? They shape our present and have an impact on our future. We all have those days when we feel like the world is coming to an end. 154. Im laughing at the confusion and smiling through the tears. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Use them as a tool to boost your self-esteem and productivity, as well as to overcome procrastination and complete all assigned tasks. 3. You can simply try out one of our funny options, or think of affirmations that best match your sense of humor. Your life is your message to the world. 218. I dont want to fix my spending habits. My feelings are just like acquaintances, they come and go. 163. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. I'm amusing and people enjoy talking to me. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. Snowballs. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it.
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short funny affirmations